Category: Company News

Folks keep asking. The answer is that Monday is a bad day to be a cat in transit. The roads are crowded, the drivers are grumpy, and the sunbeam at Dock 4 does not move until Tuesday. It is a matter of principle and also a matter of the sunbeam.

We did try Mondays once, in the spring of 2021. We lost 14 parcels, one driver and a part of a wall. Gus described it as ‘a sign.’ We have not tried since.

Monday pickups are rolled to Tuesday at no charge. Monday deliveries are rolled to Wednesday, and that one is at no charge but also no apology.

The rush starts the first week of November and runs until nobody can feel their paws. Here is what we need. Label every parcel in thick black marker. Write the address, the phone number and any hazards. For hazards, include dogs, stairs, and ‘a very large hedge.’

Drop off bulk shipments before the 15th and we will give you a $12 early bird discount. Anything arriving after the 20th goes into the Panic Queue, which is exactly what it sounds like.

Our overtime fund stands at 400 sardines. We expect to burn through it by Thanksgiving. Please be kind to your driver. He is tired and he saw a bird earlier.

The autumn schedule is posted. Dock 4 opens at 5:30 in the morning, because that is when the sun hits the loading ramp and the ramp is warm. Dock 2 opens at noon, because Dock 2 is chilly and Gus refuses to be unhappy in the morning.

Route 9 runs Monday through Thursday. Route 12 runs Friday only, because nobody remembers why we started Route 12. Marla has the Midland loop, Biscuit has the downtown run, and Ditch keeps the night.

Nap windows are 11 to noon and 3 to 4. Do not schedule pickups in a nap window. We will not come. We will not even apologize.

Alright. Second quarter. We moved 18,340 parcels, up 12 percent. We lost 3. One was found. One was eaten. One is, to this day, a mystery, and the leading theory is the dishwasher.

Fuel costs rose to $41,200, mostly on account of the Rumbler idling while Gus finishes his nap in the cab. Revenue came in at $286,900. After wages, treats, and the settlement with the hedge people, we netted a modest profit and a lot of fur on the seats.

Thank you all. Back to work. Bring your own tuna to the Friday meeting.

Listen up, all units. The big dish is back on the Route 9 run after eleven days in the shop. Pickles, our head mechanic, found a squeaky toy wedged in the axle. Nobody is admitting to owning it. Nobody is admitting to anything.

The route runs from the Gravel Lane depot to the Sunbeam Estates, with stops at the Fishmonger’s Annex, the Yarn Exchange and the house with the aggressive hedge. Drivers, you know the hedge. Take it wide. Do not make eye contact with the hedge.

That is all. Dispatch out.