Category: Rates

Mark these and do not call Gus to argue. Ground parcels must be at the depot by December 12. Express by December 18. Same day by the 23rd, but only if the weather cooperates and Ditch is awake.

After December 23, we deliver nothing except emergencies, which we define as ‘a gift for Gus.’ He has several wishes. One is a bigger shoebox. One is a hat. The third he will not say, but we think it is a nap.

Surcharges apply to oversized items, singing items and anything that smells of salmon. Thank you for choosing Litter Box Logistics. We will see you on the road, probably asleep.

People ask how we set the fuel surcharge. It follows the Laser Pointer Index, a figure published every Monday by the Brotherhood of Dot Chasers. When the dot is hard to catch, prices rise. When the dot lands easy, prices fall.

This week the dot has been darting like it owes someone money, so the surcharge is 14.5 percent. On a $20 shipment that is $2.90 more. We do not like it either. Pickles took the news badly and has refused to look at the chart.

Fixed rate contracts are available for customers who want to skip the dot entirely. Ask Doreen. She will sign anything for a snack.

Gus has reworked the rate card, and I am required to read it to you slowly. Standard parcels under 5 pounds ship for $6.40. Heavy parcels, 5 to 40 pounds, are $14.75 plus a surcharge called the Grumble Fee, which covers the driver’s opinions.

Treats and edibles are now priced per mouthful, not per pound. This is because weight kept going missing between pickup and delivery, and it turns out the driver was the scale. A mouthful is defined by the Mouthful Committee as whatever fits in Pickles’ mouth. Do not argue with Pickles.

New rates take effect the first of next month. Ask for the laminated card.