Litter Box Logistics

Blog

  • Hazard Report: The Vacuum Depot Incident

    Folks, we had a situation on Tuesday. A shipment of eight upright vacuum cleaners arrived at Dock 2, and the crew did what any sensible crew does. They left. For six hours. The dock was empty and the vacuums sat there in the afternoon heat, humming faintly with menace.

    Doreen eventually got them loaded by backing the truck in tail first and never looking at them. We billed the customer a Hazard Handling Fee of $85 per unit. The customer asked what hazard. I told him to ask his own cat.

    Reminder: vacuums are Class Dread cargo. Quote accordingly.

  • How To Pack A Box We Will Sit In Anyway

    Here is a hard truth from thirty years behind the wheel. Every box over 12 inches wide will be sat in. It is not a risk. It is a certainty. So pack for the sitting.

    Use a stiff outer carton. Fill the void with crumpled paper, never loose pellets, which get knocked everywhere and found in January. Tape every seam twice. Then leave a second, empty box next to the first one as a decoy. Drivers have reported a 30 percent drop in sit damage with the decoy box method, though one driver reported it as ‘a very nice nap.’

    Mark fragile on three sides. Cats respect three sides.

  • Rate Card Update: Treats Now Priced Per Mouthful

    Gus has reworked the rate card, and I am required to read it to you slowly. Standard parcels under 5 pounds ship for $6.40. Heavy parcels, 5 to 40 pounds, are $14.75 plus a surcharge called the Grumble Fee, which covers the driver’s opinions.

    Treats and edibles are now priced per mouthful, not per pound. This is because weight kept going missing between pickup and delivery, and it turns out the driver was the scale. A mouthful is defined by the Mouthful Committee as whatever fits in Pickles’ mouth. Do not argue with Pickles.

    New rates take effect the first of next month. Ask for the laminated card.

  • Driver Profile: Marla ‘Three Lives’ Whiskerson

    Marla has driven for us for six years and used up three of her nine lives, all on the Interstate 70 grade outside Pebble Falls. She will tell you about it. She will tell you at length, over the radio, while you are trying to get a delivery window.

    What you need to know: Marla has logged 412,000 miles without a single lost parcel. She keeps a thermos of cold milk on the dash and a rubber mouse for luck. She also eats the lunch of any driver who leaves one unattended, so guard your sandwiches.

    Marla is on the Midland run. Say hello on channel 7. She will answer eventually.

  • Why Your Parcel Is Under The Couch

    We get this call every week. Customer says the tracking shows delivered, but there is no box on the porch. Here is what happened, friend. Our driver Marla set that box down gently, and then something named Mr. Fluff dragged it under the couch to guard it.

    We cannot control Mr. Fluff. We have written to Mr. Fluff. Mr. Fluff has not replied, which is typical of his kind.

    Before filing a claim, please check under the couch, behind the radiator, and inside the dishwasher. Last month we found 14 parcels in one dishwasher. Delivered is delivered. Where it ends up is your own business.

  • Dispatch Notice: The Big Dish Is Back On The Route

    Listen up, all units. The big dish is back on the Route 9 run after eleven days in the shop. Pickles, our head mechanic, found a squeaky toy wedged in the axle. Nobody is admitting to owning it. Nobody is admitting to anything.

    The route runs from the Gravel Lane depot to the Sunbeam Estates, with stops at the Fishmonger’s Annex, the Yarn Exchange and the house with the aggressive hedge. Drivers, you know the hedge. Take it wide. Do not make eye contact with the hedge.

    That is all. Dispatch out.