Litter Box Logistics

Blog

  • Holiday Cutoff Dates, Read Twice

    Mark these and do not call Gus to argue. Ground parcels must be at the depot by December 12. Express by December 18. Same day by the 23rd, but only if the weather cooperates and Ditch is awake.

    After December 23, we deliver nothing except emergencies, which we define as ‘a gift for Gus.’ He has several wishes. One is a bigger shoebox. One is a hat. The third he will not say, but we think it is a nap.

    Surcharges apply to oversized items, singing items and anything that smells of salmon. Thank you for choosing Litter Box Logistics. We will see you on the road, probably asleep.

  • Driver Retirement: Old Biscuit Hangs Up The Collar

    After nineteen years and about 600,000 miles, Old Biscuit is retiring. Not the young Biscuit in textiles, the other Biscuit, the gray one with the notch in his left ear. He is moving to a sunny porch in Pebble Falls where he intends to do nothing, professionally.

    Over the years Biscuit delivered more than 70,000 parcels and never once complained about the weather. He did complain about the rain, the wind, the snow, and mud. But never the weather itself. We respect that.

    A farewell party will be held at Dock 4 on Friday. Cake is a sardine loaf. Please do not bring a dog.

  • Why We Do Not Deliver On Mondays

    Folks keep asking. The answer is that Monday is a bad day to be a cat in transit. The roads are crowded, the drivers are grumpy, and the sunbeam at Dock 4 does not move until Tuesday. It is a matter of principle and also a matter of the sunbeam.

    We did try Mondays once, in the spring of 2021. We lost 14 parcels, one driver and a part of a wall. Gus described it as ‘a sign.’ We have not tried since.

    Monday pickups are rolled to Tuesday at no charge. Monday deliveries are rolled to Wednesday, and that one is at no charge but also no apology.

  • Customs Hold At The Window Sill

    For the record, three parcels were detained at the window sill on Saturday evening. The Customs office, which is one orange tabby named Admiral Pounce, would not release them until a toll was paid. The toll was a head scratch. We paid it.

    The Admiral then asked for a second toll, on the grounds that the first scratch was ‘rushed.’ Doreen negotiated a lower fee of one chin rub, and the boxes were cleared at 8:41 that night.

    If you are sending packages to the window sill district, expect delays. The Admiral is thorough and he is very, very patient. He has all the time in the world and a sunbeam.

  • Box Of The Month: A Humble Shoe Carton

    Every month we hand out the Box of the Month award for the best parcel packaging on our dock, and this month it goes to a plain shoe carton from a customer named Walt. Walt did everything right. Double taped. Clear label. A little drawing of a smiling mouse on the side, for morale.

    The driver who carried it, Marla, said it was ‘the most dignified box I have ever lifted.’ She then sat in it for forty minutes, which, as we know, is the highest honor a box can receive.

    Walt receives a certificate and a free shipment. Marla received an official warning. Both are framed in the lobby.

  • Peak Season Prep: What We Need From You

    The rush starts the first week of November and runs until nobody can feel their paws. Here is what we need. Label every parcel in thick black marker. Write the address, the phone number and any hazards. For hazards, include dogs, stairs, and ‘a very large hedge.’

    Drop off bulk shipments before the 15th and we will give you a $12 early bird discount. Anything arriving after the 20th goes into the Panic Queue, which is exactly what it sounds like.

    Our overtime fund stands at 400 sardines. We expect to burn through it by Thanksgiving. Please be kind to your driver. He is tired and he saw a bird earlier.

  • Drivers Wanted: Must Tolerate Rain, Dogs, And Baths

    We are hiring four drivers for the holiday rush. Requirements: valid Claw license, a good sense of direction, and the ability to remain calm when a customer says the word ‘bath.’ Experience with cardboard preferred.

    Pay is $22 an hour plus one free fish a week, no questions asked about the fish. Benefits include a warm dashboard, a nap policy that Gus actually respects, and eligibility for the annual Biggest Box award.

    Apply at the depot between the hours of noon and 12:30. Bring a reference. A reference can be a former boss, a friend, or a very convincing mouse. Interviews are conducted by Gus, who will mostly just stare.

  • Reefer Units: The Fish Division Explained

    Our cold chain division is just Tuna Tom and one refrigerated truck, but they do good work. The reefer unit holds a steady 34 degrees, which Tom insists is the exact temperature of a perfect fish. He checks it every twenty minutes, mostly by crying a little when it is wrong.

    The rules are simple. Never open the doors without asking. Never lick the walls. Never stand in the cold air at the back and pretend you work for the weather service. Tom has seen it all.

    Cold shipments start at $28 per cubic foot, with a minimum of three crates. Tom will personally guard your order. He has a stool.

  • The Great Misrouted Salmon

    On the 14th a crate of fresh salmon, 60 pounds, destined for the Seafood Emporium, was misrouted to the Yarn Exchange. By the time we found it, the salmon had been missing for nine minutes. Nine. The record for a lost fish at this company is four.

    Here is the timeline. Biscuit loaded the crate. Biscuit remembers loading the crate. Biscuit does not remember anything between loading the crate and a later moment when he was lying down looking very satisfied. The crate was found empty, which is a form of delivery, if you squint.

    The customer was refunded $240. Biscuit has been moved to textiles.

  • Depot Safety Meeting Minutes

    Minutes from Friday’s safety meeting, taken by Doreen, who was awake for about half of it. Item one: the forklift is not a toy, and it is not a bed. Item two: nobody is to climb the pallet stack of paper towels. We know it looks good. It collapsed.

    Item three: the loading ramp must be cleared of birds, and we agreed that clearing means ‘watch them from the window.’ Item four: the dented bumper on Dock 4 remains dented. It is part of the charm.

    Gus closed the meeting by saying ‘be safe’ and then immediately fell asleep on the minutes. The next meeting is in October, assuming we can find the minutes.