Litter Box Logistics

Blog

  • Insurance: What Counts As An Act Of Dog

    Our cargo policy covers fire, theft, flood, and what the underwriters call an Act of Dog. This is any damage caused by a canine, directly or by implication. We have filed 22 such claims this year.

    For example: a dog barks, the driver jumps, the parcel falls. Act of Dog. A dog is seen at a distance and the driver takes a detour into a ditch. Act of Dog. A dog is not present at all, but the driver thought he heard one. Pending, but leaning toward Act of Dog.

    The deductible is $150. Gus will personally review every claim, usually while eating. Allow four to six weeks.

  • Autumn Schedule: Routes, Naps, And Who Is On Dock 4

    The autumn schedule is posted. Dock 4 opens at 5:30 in the morning, because that is when the sun hits the loading ramp and the ramp is warm. Dock 2 opens at noon, because Dock 2 is chilly and Gus refuses to be unhappy in the morning.

    Route 9 runs Monday through Thursday. Route 12 runs Friday only, because nobody remembers why we started Route 12. Marla has the Midland loop, Biscuit has the downtown run, and Ditch keeps the night.

    Nap windows are 11 to noon and 3 to 4. Do not schedule pickups in a nap window. We will not come. We will not even apologize.

  • Lost And Found: Items Nobody Is Admitting To

    The back shelf at Dock 4 is overflowing again, so here is the current inventory. One left boot. Seven bottle caps. A bag of catnip that is, by weight, 85 percent evidence. A framed photograph of a different cat doing a better job than us. One wedding ring, which we are holding with care.

    If any of this is yours, come down and describe it. If it is not yours but you want it, say so, and we will charge you a storage fee of $3 a day.

    Unclaimed items go to auction on the first of October. The boot has already got a bidder.

  • Fuel Surcharge: The Laser Pointer Index

    People ask how we set the fuel surcharge. It follows the Laser Pointer Index, a figure published every Monday by the Brotherhood of Dot Chasers. When the dot is hard to catch, prices rise. When the dot lands easy, prices fall.

    This week the dot has been darting like it owes someone money, so the surcharge is 14.5 percent. On a $20 shipment that is $2.90 more. We do not like it either. Pickles took the news badly and has refused to look at the chart.

    Fixed rate contracts are available for customers who want to skip the dot entirely. Ask Doreen. She will sign anything for a snack.

  • Freight Class Explained By Someone Who Has Done This Since Tuesday

    New hire Biscuit asked me to explain freight classes. Fine. There are three. Class One is things that stay where you put them, like bricks. Class Two is things that move when you are not looking, like yarn. Class Three is things that move when you are looking, like houseplants and, regrettably, the neighbor’s dog.

    Pricing goes up with the class. Class One is $0.40 a pound. Class Two is $0.95. Class Three is $2.20 and comes with a waiver you have to sign in front of a witness.

    When in doubt, call dispatch. We will tell you to call the dog.

  • New Truck: The Rumbler 9000 Is A Shoebox

    Gus spent $4,300 on our newest rig, and I want everyone to be gentle about it. It is a shoebox. A very large one, mounted on a golf cart chassis, painted orange. He calls it the Rumbler 9000. It does not rumble. It squeaks.

    Capacity is 90 pounds, or one cat of the managerial class. Top speed is 11 miles an hour downhill with a tailwind. It is, however, extremely popular for local runs because nobody sees it coming. Nobody sees it at all. It is parked in plain sight and still goes unnoticed.

    Book the Rumbler for short hauls under two miles. Bring a cushion.

  • Night Run: Kitchen To Bedroom, 3 AM

    Ditch runs the night shift, and he does not talk much. Last Thursday I asked him about his route. He said, ‘Kitchen to bedroom. Three AM. Full speed.’ That was the whole answer.

    Here is what we know. The load is one live toy mouse and a rolled sock. The route covers 42 feet of hardwood, one staircase and a hallway rug that is known to bunch. Ditch makes the trip in under four seconds, screaming the whole way, and he always arrives with the load intact.

    The customer, asleep at the time, has filed zero complaints. We take that as five stars. Night service is available on request at $19 flat.

  • Customer Complaint Of The Month

    This month’s winner wrote us, and I quote the gist: ‘My package arrived with a hole in it.’ We investigated. The package was a donut box. It contained one donut. The hole, sir, is the donut.

    We have refunded the delivery fee out of pity, plus a coupon for $2 off your next shipment. Runners up include the woman who said her parcel was ‘too fast’ and the man who wanted to know why the truck was shaped like a truck.

    The Claims Desk is open Tuesday and Thursday. Bring a pen. The last pen we had was knocked behind the filing cabinet in 2022.

  • Weigh Station Etiquette

    We pass through four weigh stations on the northern loop, and I need everybody to stop being weird at them. First: do not sit on the scale to see if you add weight. You do. It is 11 pounds. The officer knows.

    Second: do not bring snacks to the window. The officer is a golden retriever named Dale and he will take it personally. Third: when asked if you have anything to declare, say no. Do not say ‘a nap.’

    Keep your logbook current, keep your paws visible, and smile with your mouth closed. Dale sees open mouths as hostile. Pull out when waved on. Safe roads, everybody.

  • Q2 Numbers, Read Slow So Everyone Follows

    Alright. Second quarter. We moved 18,340 parcels, up 12 percent. We lost 3. One was found. One was eaten. One is, to this day, a mystery, and the leading theory is the dishwasher.

    Fuel costs rose to $41,200, mostly on account of the Rumbler idling while Gus finishes his nap in the cab. Revenue came in at $286,900. After wages, treats, and the settlement with the hedge people, we netted a modest profit and a lot of fur on the seats.

    Thank you all. Back to work. Bring your own tuna to the Friday meeting.